Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Non-fiction. 336 Pages. 4 Stars

Synopsis:

A New York Times best-selling marriage book with more than one million copies sold!

Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the Love & Respect message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, think about, and treat each other. What do you want for your marriage? Want some peace? Want to feel close? Want to feel valued? Want to experience marriage the way God intended? Then why not try some Love and Respect.

A wife has one driving need?to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need?to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily, and biblically.

My Review:

Clearly, this is a rather controversial book for many people. Let me disclaim, I am not the book’s target audience. I’m not married, but I still read and gleaned much from the book. I read it as a part of a book club and have heard much about the book before, so am glad I have had the opportunity to read it. The main idea of the book is that men and women communicate differently and they each have a different fundamental need deep in their spirits, as designed by God. This difference in fundamental needs and difference of communication makes marriage trying at times, and Dr. Eggerichs strives to explain these differences and provide practical applications for husbands and wives to better understand one another and grow in their relationship with one another.

To address some of the common concerns regarding the material: I agree that parts of the book are more specifically geared toward women, but I think it’s because, as the author clearly states, there are so few, if any, resources on the respect side of the equation. The author isn’t saying men shouldn’t love their wives–not once does he insinuate as much. Furthermore, he straight up refutes the idea that men shouldn’t love their wives until they respect them. He makes it clear that he fully supports the mandate for men to love their wives unconditionally, as difficult as that can be. And, make no mistake, it is difficult. Christ’s laws aren’t easy, any of them. It’s our job to strive to be more Christ-like. The refining fire burns sometimes, y’all.

The author is careful to point out that it isn’t okay to abuse wives, to lord authority over them, or to neglect them. It isn’t okay to cheat on them, beat them, or berate them. He’s very intentional about pointing out that men who are vile and “evil-hearted” as he says will behave as such no matter how their wives treat them. This isn’t some magic pill for wives in abusive situations. In fact, he encourages women to seek help and counsel in these situations! He spends the entire book using the “good-hearted” term to specifically apply this message to men and women of good-will toward their spouses. This message is for men who desire to be godly husbands and for women who desire to be godly wives. But we’re all human and we all screw up–continuously.

Furthermore, I found the book equally balanced between advice and explanation, tips and reminders for both husbands and wives. There are both explanations for men about how women send and receive messages as well as for women about how men send and receive messages. There are even the same number of chapters devoted each to men and women regarding how to specifically address the needs of their spouses in loving and respectful ways. Guys, this guy isn’t against women! He just isn’t politically correct and he’s unashamedly so! He does his best to explain that by fostering unconditional respect–despite our culture’s cry otherwise–the wife can often ensure an even higher place in the marriage and as a woman of God. He uses testimonials from both women and men, including many personal anecdotes from both himself and his wife (often to his own humiliation).

So, though I was concerned at first because of the many negative reviews, I can’t say by the end of the book I agreed with those reviews. I feel the heart and spirit of the man who wrote the book is genuine and aligns with Christ and God’s word, so I have a hard time feeling attacked or demoralized by his words. In fact, I feel…at peace, especially after the last chapters which brought attention to the fact that we are here to live our lives for Christ. We make our own decisions and are responsible for our own actions. We can’t blame them on being goaded by others. It is our responsibility, our charge, to live unto God. I hear truth when I read this. I hear a plea and a firm, but gentle, education in this book. Yeah, it isn’t always comfortable to look at yourself and discern the areas of improvement, but that is a necessary step in growth.

I did feel there was a bit of unnecessary allusions to other products and services. The book didn’t feel like an advertisement, but it became monotonous at a certain point. Additionally, the first section on the Crazy Cycle felt repetitive and somewhat redundant. I mean, I’ve heard that to process things we need to hear them over and over and over. And I know that the more you do something (practice!), the better you become, the more ingrained in you that idea or action is. I know that repetition creates myelins in your brain, but it still felt a little much to me. I mean, I grasped the concept easily; though, the more ways something is explained, perhaps the better understanding of it we come away with.

All in all, I enjoyed the book. I feel it is a valuable use of my time and that it has added to my spiritual growth as a person. I would recommend the book to those who carry open spirits and who are willing to indulge in self-reflection, those who seek to better understand the people in their lives and their relationship to those people. I’ll use the book’s principles in the way I relate to my brothers, to my father, and to friends. I’ll use the ideas in any future relationships I foster should I ever marry. But for now, I’d say the book was certainly worth my time and potentially yours.